I have been struggling. I had a wave of positivity and energy at the
halfway point, and it has been exhausted. I am exhausted….borderline,
depressed. Don’t worry, I’m not writing this with a razor blade to my wrist (I
know, I know, depression jokes aren’t funny). But I definitely do feel a wet
blanket over my mood. Ann has similar feelings, but she’s less of a baby about
it than I am. The pinnacle of this wet blanket feeling was this
morning. As we were walking, the feeling of lonliness came over me so strongly
that I finally broke. All of the thoughts that I have been avoiding rushed
through my brain.
Why are you even doing
this? Why did you ever think this was a good idea? I miss being normal. I miss
having dinner with my friends and family. I miss joking and speaking English to
people and being with people who know my soul. I miss being hugged. I miss laughing until my stomach hurts
and snuggling with my dog and going to the gym. I miss my brother and Netflix marathons and
eating pizza and wearing swimsuits. I miss cute clothes and make-up and feeling
feminine. I miss being able to blend into a crowd without
being called out as a
‘weigoren’ every day. I miss visiting breweries and tasting good beer in the
mountains. I miss feeling like me.
I indulged in my own personal pity party, making my pollution mask
soggy with my tears. When the hyperventilation subsided, I started to wonder. What is it that is causing me to
feel this way? Obviously, we are all human and we all have bad days. But this
is a bit of an extreme case. If I learned anything from achieving my psych
degree, it’s that the human brain is absolutely amazing, influenced by
thousands of factors that we hardly ever think about as having an effect on us.
So with curiousity and limited access to peer reviewed journals, I’ve broken
down the psychological factors working for and against us at this point in the
trip. Nerd out.
1) Not being touched. I’m one of those hug people. So is my mother. Humans are social creatures that can communicate and benefit from touch. It has been shown that affectionate touch and hugs relieve stress hormones and increase oxytocin (a hormone that promotes bonding, trust and generosity). I think the last time someone hugged me was in Nanjing when
Karen gave us a hug goodbye. That was three weeks ago. Before we reached the
cities, my last hug was probably in February when Annimal’s family came to
visit. In general, Chinese people don't hug. I miss hugs.
2)
Horns. Every time a
jackass trucker honks his horn as he passes us, I jump out of my skin. My body doesn't know that there's no real threat, so fight-or-flight kicks in and I feel my heart rate go up and my breathing become heavy as adrenaline and cortisol (a hormone linked to increase weight gain, blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart disease) rush through
my veins. Since every trucker in China seems to have a horn where his brakes should be, Ann and I have cortisol cocktails in our veins all day err day.
3)
Not being with family.
There’s just something about being with the humans who raised you. There’s just no
substitute for deep roots. I’ve been with my family a total of 9 days out of
the last350. That’s not enough. Eating with family can lower cortisol levels and promote relaxation. I want that.
4)
Homesickness. There hasn't been extensive research on the idea of homesickness, but I can tell you that it sucks. I am two weeks short of 1 year in China, and that is just too long to be away from home. As much as I try to be mindful, my mind often daydreams about those first
steps back on American soil. In detail.
5)
Lack of a social life. I
am so bored. Get up. Walk. Eat. Shower. Go to bed. I have to be intentional
about not becoming a drone. I crave a social life with fun people and jokes and
debauchery. It's common sense that having many friends around makes for a happier you, and it's science.
6)
No dogs. In my family, we are dog people. Since I've been alive, I've never not had a dog. I miss my dog so
much. It is truly amazing how
dogs can promote such happiness and well-being in humans. It blows my mind. According to many peer-reviewed studies, interaction with furry friends can improve mental and physical health, (especially cardiovascular health), improve pain management, immune system functioning, and reduce stress-related parameters such as cortisol, heart rate, and blood pressure. We see
a lot of dogs on the road. Most of them are barking at us like they want to kill us (causing more
cortisol spikes) and some are sweet, but just too disgusting to touch. I’ve
heard too many horror stories of people getting worms from dogs in China.
Beyond that, restaurants that advertise pork, chicken and dog meat
continue to break my heart into a million pieces.
7)
Exhaustion. We are
exhausted at the end of every day. And too often, we aren’t able to sleep very
well (sore muscles, the sound of traffic, the sound of people hocking loogies
outside of our window, noisy hotel neighbors, rats in the walls, hard beds,
etc) Being tired makes everything worse.
9) No comfort food. Everything can be wonderful in moderation. Like
mashed potatoes and homemade chocolate pie. I don’t know the science behind
this. I just really miss pie.
There is obviously
plenty of evidence to make me feel okay about being so negative lately. I’m
giving myself a pass on this one, as I'm not too proud to admit that
these biological factors effect me in a large way. However, I refuse to focus
only on the negative. We also have some psychology working FOR us. Feel free to
add to the list if I miss something, but these are what I can currently think
of.
1) Being part of something greater than ourselves. This is twofold. The
first ‘greater power’ is the team consisting of Ann and me. It can be extremely
motivating to keep going when someone else's interest is involved. The second
‘greater power’ is our following and the people we’ve set out to help. I can’t
lie; in many moments, I feel so far from everyone and everything that it’s hard
to remember what else is out there. The Harvard Health journal
suggests that volunteering can lower blood pressure and promote longevity, while Psychology Today claims that people who volunteer experience fewer aches and pains (Ha! Until now....). I'll admit, sometimes I get so
focused on how I feel in each second, that I forget to remember how many people
we are (hopefully) an inspiration to and how many people might benefit from our
efforts.
2)
Gratitude. This is the
one that circles back to smack me in the nose if I let it slip away. I wanted a
green light on this trip since last July when the idea was born. So many people
have helped me get to where I am. As I expressed in “Ode to The Annimal", I am
outrageously thankful for, and in awe of Ann’s efforts on this journey. I am
blown away by the kindness people have shown us on the road, and by the
encouragement y'all offer us every time we spill our souls to you. Robert Emmons does a great job of outlining the benefits of gratitude in his talk. He states that there is a strong tie between gratitude and health, happiness, and strong connections to others. Expressing gratitude is
constantly something I’m trying to do more of. Momma taught me right, so I am
constantly saying ‘thank you’, or ‘xiexie’ rather, to people for little things
like helping me in the grocery store or bringing food to our table, but I can
always up my gratitude game.
3)
Cursing. You all know
that I love to curse. It rolls off the tongue so fluently. Each eff bomb is
like a delicious little truffle. According to the Harvard Science Review, spewing curse words was shown to increase the ability of subjects to tolerate pain . i.e. Saying
curse words makes life better! So take that, bitches! I’m sorry, I got carried
away there….don’t go…..
4) Exercise. We might be a standard deviation above the norm on this
one, but it’s common knowledge that exercising is one of the keys to a long,
healthy, happy life. An American Psychological Association study suggests that exercise can enhance mood and can also help alleviate long-term depression. So that's nice
5) Meditation. Of course it's fantastic, and of course I don't do it enough. Meditation reduces fear, anxiety, and stress while boosting mood and promoting empathy. Why don't I do this more?
In summary, all I can say is that this is hard. But not impossible.
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