Cake

It was my New Year’s resolution to eat more chocolate cake…and to walk the distance from Zhongshan to

Beijing. So far, I’m succeeding at only one of those. But today I got to eat cake and it put me on cloud nine. There are very few things in the world that make me happier than chocolate cake. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about cake and freedom lately. There are so many flavors of freedom, and I have tasted many of them on this trip. I want to break a few of these experiences down for you.

I didn’t feel free at the beginning of this trip. I guess I didn’t feel that I had a choice in this matter because I had made the decision to do this back in August of last year. I wanted to honor that, but I also wanted comfort. I’ve done a lot of wrestling with these conflicting wants. This is a war that is so innately human that it’s comical. In the beginning, it was like a WWF Monday night wrestling match between my "Rock" hard head and my "Stone Cold" heart. The match continued even after we left Zhongshan…especially after we left Zhongshan. My head thought it still had a chance even after my heart was wearing the championship gold belt, signing autographs for fans, and hitting the showers. That’s such a strange metaphor, but I’m going with it.

The truth is that this trip has brought a lot of my personal demons out of their cages. This has resulted in a lot of bad days…and a lot of bad moods. Poor Ann. She has put up with so much shit. The best example of this happened back in February. It was the worst day of the trip (other than the bus incident back home) for good reason. It had rained every day for over a week. We were wet, as was all of our gear. We hadn’t been dry in days. I remember stopping to give fruit to a man who was sitting on the side of the road with no clothes and only a blanket covering him from the rain. It was a very cold day. The sight of him broke my heart. I was already having a hard day before I saw that man. I asked myself, “Who am I to have a bad day when this guy has less than I do?” But I didn’t feel better, I felt worse. After we saw the man, we walked a long way and we weren’t anywhere close to a hotel. A gnarly blister developed on my right pinky toe and it hurt with every step. I was cold, wet, in pain, and exhausted. And that’s when my head started doing the mean things that it does to me sometimes. Does your brain do this? Like a movie in my head, it began to play back every time I’ve fallen short…every time I did something I shouldn’t have, and every time I’ve embarrassed myself by being an idiot. It was like Niagra Falls of shame and embarrassment gushing though my head. I couldn’t take it. On top of everything else I was dealing with, I refused to take the abuse. I screamed at myself in my own head. God, maybe I am crazy. I screamed at myself to shut up…to be nice. I told myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. This was the day that something broke in me. Since that day, I have been a lot kinder to myself. I still sometimes go into autopilot and think mean thoughts about myself in front of mirrors (I think things about myself that I would NEVER say about anyone else. What an awful double standard). But now I can view my self-criticism as my subconscious want to be better, expressed in a misguided, hateful way. There's room for improvement here. I’ve started two traditions of kindness that are strange and a little bit crazy. I’ll share them with you anyway.

1) I've started washing my feet. When was the last time you actually washed your feet? Sure, they always get clean in the shower, but do you ever actually take time to wash the things that handle your weight all day, every day? Taking a minute to wash my feet slows life down enough for me to be so thankful for the simplest, most amazing things in my life that I often take for granted. Try washing your feet. If you don’t have feet, try a head massage because that feels amazing, too.

2) I’ve started giving myself a pep talk in the morning. The thing I’ve noticed about this is how much I can tell about my mental state just by taking a few minutes to encourage myself. I liken this to warming up before a tennis match. How is your topspin working today?How's your focus? On rough days, my pep talk usually sounds like this: “This shit is hard. I totally get why you wouldn’t want to do this because it isn’t easy. If you want to hide under the covers today, I fully support your decision. Though, take a second to think about the potential benefits of going out into the world today. Maybe there will be beautiful flowers. Maybe there will be something to laugh at. Maybe there are people out there who would be delighted to meet you….maybe there’s cake”. 

These little acts of compassion actually help me be a better human. No bullying necessary. 

In the past, I would beat myself up for having things that others don't. It’s the classic, “there are starving children in Africa” guilt trip that mothers pull on finicky children. What a crock of shit. Being appreciative of what we have is important, but a guilt trip only creates resentment. I’d rather deal with truth. My truth is that I haven’t always felt like doing this walk even though I dreamed it up and committed. But I did it anyway.

I see this as a tier of wants...like a wedding cake. Whichever want I place at the top supersedes all other wants. At the top of my cake, I put the want to walk the distance from Zhongshan to Beijing to raise money for New Day South. Every day since February 1^st, I have acted according to this want. The everlasting trouble is that the other wants on the lower tiers don’t go away. I still want comfortable beds, clean air, family time, pretty feet, a sense of

home, dinners with friends, to speak and be understood, clean bathrooms, and chocolate cake. On the top of my pyramid of wants, I put something that made filling my many other wants improbable for four months. That has made for a lot of hard days. I can’t think of a better way to put this than Eric Thomas did in one of his speeches. He tells the story of a young man who went to an old sage for advice on how to be successful. The guru tells the young man to meet him on the beach at sunrise. The next morning, they meet and go out into deep water where the guru grabs the young man and holds his head underwater. The young man struggles and thrashes and fights, but the guru is too strong to overcome. Finally, when the young man is about to drown, the guru releases him. After the young man catches his breath, the sage says, “When you want to succeed as bad as
 you want to breathe, then you will be successful.” Eric Thomas goes on to say that some people want success, but they don’t want it more than they want to party or be admired or sleep.

I’m not sure that I can say that I want to finish this as much as I want air. Inversely, if I wanted air, I wouldn’t be trekking to Beijing. Maybe I want this more than I want air. Either way, you get the metaphor.

In the beginning, I felt that I was a slave to the decision I’d made to chase this dream. But that wasn’t true. I was a slave to negativity. I yearned for the pile of things I didn’t have, and I was guilt tripping myself for the things I do have. What a terrible cage to be in. It took me a long time to realize that I am the key holder. 

There is a sense of freedom that accompanies the pursuit of a dream, and there is even more freedom in coming to terms with the fact that the pursuit can be unpleasant and downright miserable at times. And that's ok. It's an important part of the human experience. This leads me to my next dimension of freedom: appreciation. Appreciation is like a muscle. And when you don’t exercise it properly, it’s difficult to get into shape. It physically, emotionally, and spiritually hurts to strengthen this muscle. Some people live their whole lives without exercising it. Everyone can find his or her own way to make it strong. For me, it means slowing down. Sometimes I get it in my head that life is a race and I need to come in first or else I'm worthless. That’s a weird lie that I get caught up in. I don’t know who started it, but he or she should be reprimanded. Life is not a race. For me, appreciation means looking at the bigger picture. It means asking questions. What does this experience have to teach me? How might that lesson help me in the future? It means owning the fact that I am choosing to be here, meaning some clever part of me wants this for me even though I'm not comfortable. It means trusting that experiences don't have to FEEL good to BE good (imagine pain. It feels awful, and it's an important form of communication between your body and mind. We could easily die without it. If my stomach didn't start hurting when I was 14, I wouldn't have known to go to the hospital and a doctor never would have taken my inflamed appendix out. Pain helps us survive.) And sometimes it just means breathing. I’ve started looking at this walk as a game and it has helped my mood tremendously. Every time I have to eat food that I don't like in order to survive, a point is deducted. Every time I smell poo or garbage while walking or I have to use a dirty, soggy outhouse, a point is deducted. Every time I’m mean to myself or I worry about how I’ll pay for grad

school, a point is deducted. But there are plusses, too. Every time I Skype someone I love, a point is added. When I give myself a positive talk or wash my feet or get to eat yummy food, a point is added. When I find a rose to smell or a joke at which to laugh, a point is added. The game becomes about strategizing positivity and actively looking for opportunities to feed my soul each day. Life isn’t a race, it’s a game. Freedom is the prize. Let’s play. 

Nanjing

Wow! I’m so behind on storytelling. I want to finish the story of Nanjing because it was an incredible and unexpected highlight of this trip.

We left Bill and Karen’s place in the morning after spending two nights with them. Karen came with us as we loaded my pack and Ann’s trailer into a car to go to the Nanjing International School. We connected with Juan, an administrator and teacher at NIS, via a teacher whom we met in Suzhou. When we arrived at the school, Juan greeted us at the gate and guided us through security. Juan is a very kind and generous man, originally from

Us with Karen in their home

Colombia, who hosted Ann and me not only at the school, but at his home as well. We started the day by meeting other administrators and dropping our packs off at the front office. The school immediately felt like a different world than the one we’ve been immersed in for months. Bright-eyed, hospitable, people walked the halls with smiles on their faces. The atmosphere was comfortable, clean, open-minded, and cheerful. It was a breath of fresh air just to be there. Juan gave us a thorough tour of the establishment. The school is unique in the way that it is a non-profit private school filled with teachers and students from all over the world. The Chinese government does not allow Chinese students to attend international schools, so the only Chinese students who attend have passports from elsewhere. Since the

The Annimal and Bill

tuition goes back to the school and everyone collaborates to make decisions, the school is equipped with everything the students need to learn effectively and efficiently. They have a swimming pool, a theater, an art studio, a work shop, dozens of bright and cheery multi-media classrooms, a cafeteria that serves delicious food (not just Chinese food, thank goodness), a coffee shop, a gymnasium, a soccer field, and many play structures. They are even starting up a special education program, responding to a need that hasn’t been filled yet in the community.

Contrary to what you may be thinking, we weren’t just there to sip iced coffee and tour this amazing place. We were there to spread our story. The first classroom we spoke to was full of high school students who were getting ready to go out into the world. They listened intently as we spoke, played videos, and answered questions. I love working with students this age

giving a speech to primary students at NIS

because they are so dang bright and optimistic. They are untainted by negative people of the world who dare to utter the words ‘you can’t’. We spoke to the high school students, then to the primary students, then to one more class of mixed ages. I also LOVE talking to little kids. They are so much dang fun. When talking to children, you get to use imagination and play with words and ask silly questions and speak in a way that would make most adults think you’re crazy. With children, I can be the child that I am with no reservations. The kids were amazed at the story of our walk. They asked intelligent questions and we gave them time to talk amongst themselves about what it might be like not to have your favorite food for five months (they were appalled at this idea, as am I). When we finished the talk, some of the fourth graders came up to take pictures with us. I was sitting on the stage and they all crowded around me like little barnacles. It was like a big hug- I can’t think of a happier moment from the past few months. Visiting NIS was great for two reasons.

1) They gave us a card that allowed us unlimited food and coffee. I was BUZZING after my second grande iced coffee. My lunch was a feast of foods I love but haven’t had in months: muesli, fresh cut fruit, a salad bar, grape juice, and chocolate cake. Kids came to sit with us in the cafeteria and they talked about everything from their pets to the family vacations while I straight up CHOWED on that feast. Yummmmmm.

2)Personally, I believe that there is no greater cause in the world than encouraging and inspiring young people. I had a Skype chat with my Berkeley advisor a few weeks ago; he asked me what demographic I might like to work with this fall during my internship. I mentioned that I haven’t done much work in schools or with suicide prevention, so I might like to try either of those. But any placement is fine. Any demographic can teach me something and vice versa. I am going into social work with a broad mind because I know that it is never too late for people to turn their lives around. There is no story too sad or obstacle too big to solve if someone has the will to do so. The words “I can’t” are the only end-all. But if we can encourage

Juan and his family

people when they’re young…imagine the possibilities! Imagine the stories we can help create. Someone asked me what motivates my heart to give, and my childhood has a lot to do with it. The Corkster (my mom) has been teaching special education since I can remember, so I grew up in her classroom as a witness to the love and compassion that happened there. Her students were my peers and I saw things in them that I loved. I admire the same characteristics in many people with disabilites that I do in children; character, strength, humility, pride, perserverence and HILARITY. Later in life it is absolutely possible to cultivate a giving spirit through choices and actions, and it is such an important concept to pass onto the children of this world so that they can have a head start. We’re on this earth to help each other. Kids understand this concept in a way that is so pure and beautiful. That childish wonder part of me has been somewhat dormant on this trip, and I struggle with that. It felt so good to be able to express that part of me freely for a day with the kiddos.

We stayed at Juan’s house that night with his wonderful family. His wife, Kath, who is from England, is also a teacher at the school. Both of his children are students there and his son is graduating this year. It felt so good to be in a home for a night. Their family reminded me so much of my own. We had dinner at a wonderful Indian restaurant and I watched the Discovery Channel with Juan and Kath in their living room before heading to bed. It was so hard to leave the next morning. As we walked out of Nanjing, I focused on the fact that this wonderful experience was a glimpse of what I have to look forward to when we finish: comfort, laughter, and family.  

The Psychology of Suck

I have been struggling. I had a wave of positivity and energy at the halfway point, and it has been exhausted. I am exhausted….borderline, depressed. Don’t worry, I’m not writing this with a razor blade to my wrist (I know, I know, depression jokes aren’t funny). But I definitely do feel a wet blanket over my mood. Ann has similar feelings, but she’s less of a baby about it than I am. The pinnacle of this wet blanket feeling was this morning. As we were walking, the feeling of lonliness came over me so strongly that I finally broke. All of the thoughts that I have been avoiding rushed through my brain.

Why are you even doing this? Why did you ever think this was a good idea? I miss being normal. I miss having dinner with my friends and family. I miss joking and speaking English to people and being with people who know my soul. I miss being hugged. I miss laughing until my stomach hurts and snuggling with my dog and going to the gym. I miss my brother and Netflix marathons and eating pizza and wearing swimsuits. I miss cute clothes and make-up and feeling feminine. I miss being able to blend into a crowd without

being called out as a ‘weigoren’ every day. I miss visiting breweries and tasting good beer in the mountains. I miss feeling like me.

I indulged in my own personal pity party, making my pollution mask soggy with my tears. When the hyperventilation subsided, I started to wonder. What is it that is causing me to feel this way? Obviously, we are all human and we all have bad days. But this is a bit of an extreme case. If I learned anything from achieving my psych degree, it’s that the human brain is absolutely amazing, influenced by thousands of factors that we hardly ever think about as having an effect on us. So with curiousity and limited access to peer reviewed journals, I’ve broken down the psychological factors working for and against us at this point in the trip. Nerd out.

1)    Not being touched. I’m one of those hug people. So is my mother. Humans are social creatures that can communicate and benefit from touch. It has been shown that affectionate touch and hugs relieve stress hormones and increase oxytocin (a hormone that promotes bonding, trust and generosity). I think the last time someone hugged me was in Nanjing when Karen gave us a hug goodbye. That was three weeks ago. Before we reached the cities, my last hug was probably in February when Annimal’s family came to visit. In general, Chinese people don't hug. I miss hugs.

2)    Horns. Every time a jackass trucker honks his horn as he passes us, I jump out of my skin. My body doesn't know that there's no real threat, so fight-or-flight kicks in and I feel my heart rate go up and my breathing become heavy as adrenaline and cortisol (a hormone linked to increase weight gain, blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart disease) rush through

my veins. Since every trucker in China seems to have a horn where his brakes should be, Ann and I have cortisol cocktails in our veins all day err day.

3)    Not being with family. There’s just something about being with the humans who raised you. There’s just no substitute for deep roots. I’ve been with my family a total of 9 days out of the last350. That’s not enough. Eating with family can lower cortisol levels and promote relaxation. I want that. 

4)    Homesickness. There hasn't been extensive research on the idea of homesickness, but I can tell you that it sucks. I am two weeks short of 1 year in China, and that is just too long to be away from home. As much as I try to be mindful, my mind often daydreams about those first steps back on American soil. In detail.

5)    Lack of a social life. I am so bored. Get up. Walk. Eat. Shower. Go to bed. I have to be intentional about not becoming a drone. I crave a social life with fun people and jokes and debauchery. It's common sense that having many friends around makes for a happier you, and it's science. 

6)    No dogs. In my family, we are dog people. Since I've been alive, I've never not had a dog. I miss my dog so much. It is truly amazing how

dogs can promote such happiness and well-being in humans. It blows my mind. According to many peer-reviewed studies, interaction with furry friends can improve mental and physical health, (especially cardiovascular health), improve pain management, immune system functioning, and reduce stress-related parameters such as cortisol, heart rate, and blood pressure. We see a lot of dogs on the road. Most of them are barking at us like they want to kill us (causing more cortisol spikes) and some are sweet, but just too disgusting to touch. I’ve heard too many horror stories of people getting worms from dogs in China. Beyond that, restaurants that advertise pork, chicken and dog meat continue to break my heart into a million pieces.

7)    Exhaustion. We are exhausted at the end of every day. And too often, we aren’t able to sleep very well (sore muscles, the sound of traffic, the sound of people hocking loogies outside of our window, noisy hotel neighbors, rats in the walls, hard beds, etc) Being tired makes everything worse.

8)    Not getting laid. We’re all adults here. We all like sex. Intimacy with someone you love does wonderful things for the body and mind. It releases endorphins that make the world a brighter place. Cue Freddy Mercury “I need somebody to lo-ove, I need somebody to lo-ove, lo-ove looooove” 

9)    No comfort food. Everything can be wonderful in moderation. Like mashed potatoes and homemade chocolate pie. I don’t know the science behind this. I just really miss pie.

There is obviously plenty of evidence to make me feel okay about being so negative lately. I’m giving myself a pass on this one, as I'm not too proud to admit that these biological factors effect me in a large way. However, I refuse to focus only on the negative. We also have some psychology working FOR us. Feel free to add to the list if I miss something, but these are what I can currently think of.

1)    Being part of something greater than ourselves. This is twofold. The first ‘greater power’ is the team consisting of Ann and me. It can be extremely motivating to keep going when someone else's interest is involved. The second ‘greater power’ is our following and the people we’ve set out to help. I can’t lie; in many moments, I feel so far from everyone and everything that it’s hard to remember what else is out there. The Harvard Health journal

suggests that volunteering can lower blood pressure and promote longevity, while Psychology Today claims that people who volunteer experience fewer aches and pains (Ha! Until now....). I'll admit, sometimes I get so focused on how I feel in each second, that I forget to remember how many people we are (hopefully) an inspiration to and how many people might benefit from our efforts.

2)    Gratitude. This is the one that circles back to smack me in the nose if I let it slip away. I wanted a green light on this trip since last July when the idea was born. So many people have helped me get to where I am. As I expressed in “Ode to The Annimal", I am outrageously thankful for, and in awe of Ann’s efforts on this journey. I am blown away by the kindness people have shown us on the road, and by the encouragement y'all offer us every time we spill our souls to you. Robert Emmons does a great job of outlining the benefits of gratitude in his talk. He states that there is a strong tie between gratitude and health, happiness, and strong connections to others. Expressing gratitude is constantly something I’m trying to do more of. Momma taught me right, so I am constantly saying ‘thank you’, or ‘xiexie’ rather, to people for little things like helping me in the grocery store or bringing food to our table, but I can always up my gratitude game.

3)    Cursing. You all know that I love to curse. It rolls off the tongue so fluently. Each eff bomb is like a delicious little truffle. According to the Harvard Science Review, spewing curse words was shown to increase the ability of subjects to tolerate pain . i.e. Saying curse words makes life better! So take that, bitches! I’m sorry, I got carried away there….don’t go…..

4)    Exercise. We might be a standard deviation above the norm on this one, but it’s common knowledge that exercising is one of the keys to a long, healthy, happy life. An American Psychological Association study suggests that exercise can enhance mood and can also help alleviate long-term depression. So that's nice

5) Meditation. Of course it's fantastic, and of course I don't do it enough. Meditation reduces fear, anxiety, and stress while boosting mood and promoting empathy. Why don't I do this more?

  

In summary, all I can say is that this is hard. But not impossible. 

Ode to The Annimal

Imagine what it would be like if an alien came to your town. You’ve seen them in movies and imagined that they might be real, but you’d never seen one in real life before now. But now you see her. She’s green and scaly, or whatever aliens look like, standing at your threshold. She’s speaking strange, accented English, asking you where the bathroom is. Everyone stares at the creature as she slithers (or however aliens move) by with her human friend leading the way. She’s wearing the strangest clothes, unlike anything you’ve ever seen, and everything from her hair to the way she moves is foreign. Elders stare and children cry. You have just had your first alien sighting.

We are back in DEEP China, where I am a creature from another planet and Ann is often seen as my lowly interpreter. I am a being of unending mystery, and Ann is the person who gets an ass stuck in her face as people crawl over her to try to get closer to me. Ahhh, yes. Everything is as it should be.

However, if these people could be rational for a second and see past their narcissistic need to take a picture with a foreigner so that they can put it on their wechat and gain three seconds of attention and multiple little heart clicks from their friends, they would see the real story. Everyone who has

ever read our blogs or spent a little bit of time with us on the road knows that Ann is the rock of this trip. I don’t mean this to say, “She’s great and I’m nothing…also, do I look fat in this? Do you think that girl’s prettier than me? Please love me.” No. Everyone already knows I’m a legend. That’s what my mommy tells me, anyway. The point is that together, we are doing great things AND Ann does it with grace. I need you all to understand the wonderful things that Ann does because she would never tell you herself. First of all, she’s not my interpreter (I could never afford her), but she does help me figure out what the hell-o dolly is going on, which I greatly appreciate. Before I got a grasp on Mandarin (which Ann is also teaching me) I was lost 90% of the time. And speaking of being lost, Annimal is also a bomb navigator. It took her a little while to get a grasp on Baidu maps, but now she takes the time to plan our route each night after a long day of walking a route she planned the previous night. We’re never lost (well, she isn’t. I’m always lost and I love that about this trip). Throw in constant selflessness and an unreal amount of patience, and I’ve painted a realistic picture of The Annimal.

It’s no secret that this trip has been hard. It has been an incredible experience, and it has stretched us emotionally, spiritually, physically, and intellectually. Ann has triumphed with determination and grace. Unfortunately, in some people’s eyes she will never get any appreciation. Women click their tongues at her and shake their heads at how dark her skin is, some even telling her to her face how ugly she looks with dark skin (a proper Chinese woman is supposed to have fair skin). While I want to scream, “That ‘ugly’ skin has walked across China for people with disabilities, you ignoramus! What has your skin done today?” Ann simply nods her head, excuses herself from the conversation, and doesn’t tell me what has happened until later (probably so I don’t scold the ignorant people in English, hoping they understand my distain through my anger).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that Annimal is a boss and I appreciate her so much. I’m not sure this trip would have been possible without her. It definitely would have been much more difficult and much less fun. 

Hell and Hospitality

It was a morning just like any other. The alarm rang on my phone at 6:45 AM. I turned it off, rolled over, and went back to sleep. Five minutes later, I reached for my computer, eyes still closed, and turned on a Lady Gaga song to motivate me out of bed. Annimal was already awake, sitting upright in her bed, entranced by her phone. I opened my eyes, read a few emails I had received overnight, and finally got up to get ready for a long day of walking. We were scheduled to be in Nanjing that evening, meaning we had 25 kilometers to cover before sundown. We packed our things and drank coffee as Lady Gaga music videos played in the background. The last item to go into my bag was my computer, but I paused to check my Facebook and say hello to the world before departing. I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. As I scrolled through my newsfeed, I noticed that a few people had shared a story from my hometown’s news site. “7 Farmington Schools elementary students injured in bus crash” was the title. The subtitle disclosed that the crash had taken place in Red Valley, Arizona.

“That’s weird.” I thought. “My mom also went on a field trip to Arizona today.”

Holy shit.

I read on.

“33 students and two adults were on the bus that turned over, according to Navajo police….A second bus, which did not roll over, took more students to the San Juan Regional Medical Center as a precaution. The second bus did not appear to be involved in the crash.”

Which bus was she on? WHICH FUCKING BUS WAS MY MOM ON?!

I searched through my backpack for my American cell phone and impatiently waited for it to connect to wifi. My heart was beating out of my chest as I tried to calm it with rationale.

She’s probably fine. It’s 50/50. She could have been on the other bus. She was probably on the other bus.

Minutes felt like hours as I waited for my phone to connect to wifi so that I could make the call to America to hear that my mom was fine.

Finally, the call went through. My dad answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey! Dad, what’s happening?”

“Who is this?” He sounded flustered.

“Dad, it’s Darrah. What’s going on? Is Mom ok?”

“Well, your mom was in an accident. Their bus rolled over. We’ve just been to Shiprock hospital, but they sent us to Farmington. We’re heading there now. The kids are fine.” he said. Hot, heavy tears started rolling down my face. My heart broke into pieces and a loud sob came from deep in my stomach. Ann, unaware of what was happening, put her hand on my shoulder.

“Is she ok?” I asked, hopeful and terrified of the answer.

“She’s ok. Her right ear was cut off and she’s sore and bruised, but she’s okay. We’re going to Farmington to see a plastic surgeon about her ear.”

In that moment, I felt life full-on. Emotions rushed through me. I was so relieved that my mom was alive. I was so angry that this happened. I was so glad that the children were ok. I was so sad that my precious mother was injured. I said goodbye and spent the next few hours talking to people in America over Facebook. Kelly who lives next door to my parents offered to feed Kai, our dog. Emma in Fort Collins offered to try to find my brother, who wasn’t answering his phone. Lots of people offered help and condolences. After business on the home front was taken care of, I put my computer in my bag and we started walking. I knew that I couldn’t stop the flow of tears down my face, but I could start walking. We walked and I cried all morning until I heard the news that my mom’s surgery had gone ok and she was spending the night in the hospital. I finally got ahold of my brother and he told me to be strong. The worst was over and all was well. Thank goodness.

That evening we made it to Nanjing. We checked out the first hotel, a grimy place with the bathroom enclosed by glass walls. No thank you. We walked to three more hotels that refused to take a foreigner. After the fourth hotel we were exhausted and it was late. We called Bill and Karen, our Nanjing friends, to rescue us. We weren’t planning on visiting them for a few days, but these were desperate times. They took us out to dinner and set us up in their guest room. I slept for a few hours, then got up to Skype my mom, who was supposed to be released from the hospital that afternoon (our morningtime). She looked like hell. Her face was swollen, eyes and jaw cut and bruised. Her head and ear were wrapped in guaze like a civil war patient. Despite this, she tried to appear chipper. Maybe she was trying to make me feel better. Maybe it was the morphine. We talked and I cried……like a baby. I was so relieved to see that she was alive, and so heartbroken to see her that way.

As I lied curled up on the couch in the fetal position, Bill went off to work and

Ann and Karen went to visit the Zhongshan memorial in the city. I was too exhausted to leave the house. Emotional pain is far more exhausting than physical pain. I spent the day sleeping, talking to people back home, and watching movies. That night we went out to dinner with Bill and Karen. I am so thankful for them. They offered the kindest, most wonderful hospitality during the time I needed it most. I cannot thank them enough.

There are lots of lessons that come from a scare like this one. Love each other every day. Tell your people how much you love them. Don’t worry about the petty shit. Life is short; carpe diem; seize the carp.

This trip is as much about empowerment as it is about love. Even though I feel a million miles away from home this week, I’d like to think that this experience has brought my family closer. Inspired by my mother’s brush with death, I encourage you all to spread some love today. Call someone and say “I love you”. Why are you still reading? Do it now. 

#Nailedit

I love looking at Pinterest fails. There’s something about the contrast of the 

world’s most perfect cupcake next to a colorful mess of goup that just makes me giggle.  Add in that #nailedit hashtag and I literally LOL. Hilarious.

Pinterest fails are the perfect representation of how life goes sometimes. We have high, unrealistic expectations created by ourselves and outside influences of what something ‘should’ look like, and when they aren’t met, we are crushed, ashamed, and embarrassed. When we’re dealing with baked goods, it creates a funny webpost. When we’re dealing with life, dreams, and the pursuit of your heart, there can be more pain involved in failing.Personally, I think Pinterest Fails are mislabeled. I think

they should be called “Delicious Experiments”. So instead of diluting that sweet frosting with your salty tears, let’s break down the fantastic things that happen when you Pinterest Fail.

1)  You get to be inspired. Whether you’re planning a celebration or just bored, searching for a recipe and finding something worthy of your time can be a fun process.

2)  You have a plan. Are you a list-maker? I hate lists, but there is something fantastic about checking things off of one. Blue frosting, got it.

3)  You get to learn. Okay, so next time maybe wait until the cupcake cools before trying to pile three inches of frosting on top.

4)  You get to laugh. It’s never going to be perfect. But you know what it will be? Delicious. If you can laugh at yourself, you can taste the sweetness of life.

I know, I know. Make your point, Darrah.

This trip is by no means a failure AND it has many characteristics and dynamics of a Pinterest fail. Let me explain.

Like the amateurs trying to make competition-grade cupcakes with a butter knife and a Ziploc bag full of frosting, Ann and I started this walk with very little experience. I have done hikes in the wilderness before, but Ann had NEVER walked more than a few kilometers at a time in her life. Before moving to Zhongshan, I had never left America before. I had no idea how to navigate a foreign country. When inspiration hit, we collected our butter knives, filled our Ziploc bags with frosting, and started

making plans.

Since that first strike of inspiration, we have learned SO MUCH. Like, I CAN SPEAK CHINESE (well, not a ton, but I can order myself a beer, sooooo…). Ann can navigate Baidu Maps like a boss. And now we are covering over 100 kilometers every 4 days. In the beginning, we could walk about 13 kilometers before one of us would ‘tap out’ from the pain and blisters and we’d have to catch a bus to the nearest hotel. Now, we can do double that distance without a problem.

That being said, not everything about this trip has

been perfect. The vision has been adapted to the limitations we chose to accept (budget, time, pain tolerance, etc). People have criticized us for this- some are constructive and some are just downright mean. Not everything looks like it’s ‘supposed to’ on this journey. Ann’s mother-in-law wasn’t ‘supposed to’ pass away in March. My mom wasn’t ‘supposed to’ be in a bus crash back home, and I wasn’t ‘supposed to’ feel this homesick with 5 weeks left of the journey. None of that was part of the plan. But there are many amazing unplanned things that have happened, too. Playing tennis with HongChang was spontaneous, as was spreading our passion to hundreds of children and adults through various speeches we were invited to give. I am learning that diversions from the original plan can lead to amazingness if you can open your mind and release your expectations with grace.

So, the point is this: sometimes the pursuit of dreams is messy. Whether the dream is to make a beautiful cupcake or walk across a country, let’s let go of control and watch the vision transform into something beautiful and delicious.  

Below is a blurb I wrote last week. It’s addressed to the people who aren’t on board with our vision. (and if I’m being really honest, it’s also addressed to the neurotic, critical voice in my head) I know I’m preaching to the choir by posting it here, but it has been swimming around my brain, begging to be written. It turned out to be a pretty cool piece. Also, I’d like to say that even though we have received some hate, we also have received a TON of love and support. Thank you all so much for following us and believing in us. It gives us power. Love yall.

To the critics who say we’ve fallen short….that we did it wrong….that we’ve offered too little…

I tried to walk a mile in your shoes, but I don’t think they fit right. They seemed to be too narrow. I think maybe your feet and your mind have that in common. But maybe I’m wrong.

The criticism that spills from your mouth and fingers makes me think that maybe someone hurt you. Who was it that said you aren’t enough? What did you once hold, pure and true, that was stripped away by “reality”? I think maybe someone told you that your dream was impossible. And I think maybe you listened. But maybe I’m wrong.

Your harsh words fall like daggers. My reaction is to scream, to fight, and to destroy your skepticism with logic and heart. But I won’t because this journey is bigger than our opinions. I’ll save my energy to walk this path and dedicate every step to anyone who has ever been told the words “you can’t”.

Yes, it’s all for them. This isn’t for you. But maybe I’m wrong.