My Truth- A Delightful Burden

I was depressed during my sophomore year of college. Looking back, my situation wasn’t so desperate; I was attending a great school, had a boyfriend who loved me, and didn’t have to worry much about money. But I was living in quiet desperation- playing the leading role in a life that didn’t belong to me. I remember feeling tired and anxious all at once….I felt as if I couldn’t take a deep breath….like there was a wet blanket wrapped tightly around me- not a soft comfortable one, but those scratchy, synthetic blankets used by search and rescue. If that’s not irony, I don’t know what is. When my depression became the scary kind, my loving boyfriend took me home to New Mexico. I remember crawling into my childhood bed with my mom the night we arrived, and sobbing for hours. My desperation was no longer quiet- it was as loud as my sobs. The next day I woke up with eyes so swollen that I barely recognized the girl in the mirror. Fitting, as I hadn’t recognized her for quite some time. I was embarrassed of how alien I looked with swollen eyes, so I avoided my boyfriend as my mom walked me to the car. I remember catching a glimpse of his face as we drove away…a portrait of confusion, anger, disappointment, and worry. I wanted to tell him I loved him. Instead, I just cried. We went to our family doctor, who put me on an anti-depressant that was supposed to fix everything. I went back to Texas with a pill bottle full of hope. The medication did help; it helped me dive deeper into the realms of depression. The antidepressants made me more tired than depression did. Everyday tasks like going to the grocery store or to class turned into exhausting, all-day productions that I didn’t have the will or energy for. I quit taking my ‘hope pills’ cold turkey after a month of this hell. When the semester ended, my parents suggested that I move home. Humbled, I packed my car and started the next semester at Fort Lewis College, an hour away from home. Two years later, I graduated from FLC with pride and joy in my heart.

I tell you this story not to bum you out, but to give a more valid representation of me. It is easy to use social media to present a false version of ourselves by showing people only the best parts of us- the highest moments, the weddings, the good hair days, the vacations and adventures…. It would be easy for me to use this blog as a platform to lead people to believe that my life always works out the way I want it to. But life doesn’t always hold good hair days. And that’s beautiful, too. Since my first experience with depression, I have always been aware of the danger of going back there. I thought about it when I moved to the tennis ranch in Texas last year. I discussed it with my parents before I moved to China. The fears of diving into the depths of depression always loom behind me, gentle reminders to take care of myself and stick to my truth no matter what. I am committed to this because I know the consequences of making choices that are not in line with my truth.

This is why I quit my job last week. I absolutely love teaching tennis, and I have found that this is not the ideal environment for me to do so. I spent about four days mourning this. I racked my brain to try to pinpoint what went wrong, what part I played in it, and what I could have done differently. I walked around the city, and walked the line between overwhelming humility and beating myself up. Humility won….usually. When it didn’t, I called someone. I had coffee with Jerry and Ann, dinner with Adrian the Canadian’s family, and held babies at New Day. On my last day of work, I finished my last lesson and went home. I walked through the door, tears streaming down my face. Once again, I found myself on my knees; face down, in excruciating limbo. ‘What am I going to do?’ ‘How did I get to this point?’ ‘What happened?’ ‘How can I go through with the walk to Beijing now?’…..and again, a resounding, ‘What am I going to do?’  Just

A 'hands-in' after P.E. class at a local school

then, my phone notified me of a message. I wiped my tears and picked it up to see a new email- subject, ‘draft letter of rec’ from Geno. I had asked him to write a letter of recommendation for my graduate school applications, and it came through. In my moment of darkness, self-doubt, and despair, it came through. With eyesight blurred by tears, I read the two-page letter highlighting exactly what makes me a phenomenal person, how bright my future is, and how I successfully strive to be an effective leader in everything I do in life. He talked of my humility and determination, stating, ‘This humility belies a sharp intellect and indomitable spirit that make you realize that once she sets her mind to accomplish something, she will do it.’ More tears. And then the voice. The voice came, not from behind me, not from inside of me, but from me. It was my voice.

‘Get up, Darrah’.

I took a deep breath, dried my tears again, and got up.

‘Ok. It’s time to make a plan.’

Even though parts of my life are crumbling, even though I am currently a homeless, unemployed vagabond, even though I have a headache from last night’s search for the answers to my problems (the answers are not at the bottom of a bottle of Tsing Tao), there are still wonderful things happening in my life. JB and I had an incredible trip to Yangshuo. We ate, drank, swam, biked, hiked, and met many great people from all over the world. When we returned to Zhongshan, we had a great time walking

JB in his element. Me, happy we've stopped riding

around the city, biking around the reservoir, and watching countless episodes of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. It was nice to have someone to do nothing with. We had a teary goodbye at the ferry building, (my tears, not his) and I sent him off to Malaysia on his next adventure.

The walk is blowing up, too. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have gained a walking partner, Ann. She is small in stature, but strong-willed, a Chinese woman with a heart of gold and fantastic English. She is married to Jerry, whom I first met at Holiday Plaza to see his exhibit of pictures from his and Phil’s bike ride across China. They are an incredible couple- kindred spirits in the belief that nothing is impossible. Ann and I have been busy finding sponsors, planning a route, and connecting with people who can help our walk to Beijing go smoothly. One man, a leader in the Youth Volunteers Association of China, has committed to help us find hosts in his network of volunteers along the way. He will also help us communicate with the government on our journey to partner with them in the safety of our travels. Ann and I have discussed the possibility of our walk being shut down

Ann and I

by the government, and we have decided to go straight to them and even ask for their help. It is a bold move that will hopefully pay off. Holiday Plaza has committed to handle our public relations. We are meeting with them soon to discuss the best way to reach out to sponsors and get the word out about our walk. We are very excited about the developments unfolding in front of us, and about the valuable relationships that are forming. This project is already bringing people together, and that gets me very excited.

This is a time in my life when everything seems to be unclear. I’m not sure what I am going to do. I am not sure if I’m falling or flying. I’m not really sure of anything right now. But I do know one thing- in this moment, I am being true to myself. And because of that, I am happy. 

Looking forward in Yangshuo

*Side Note: It has been brought to my attention that this post doesn't shed the best light on anti-depressant medication. In my experience working in the field of mental health with adolescents, adults and geriatrics from all walks of life, I have seen anti-depressants and other similar medications truly help some people. In my writings, I speak only from my personal experience, and in the case of anti-depressant medication, it was not a good one. I have found other ways of regulating my mood that work much better for ME i.e. meditation, exercise, therapy, and making life choices in line with my heart. Sometimes, your truth may be that anti-depressant medication helps you be the best version of yourself. I believe YOU must figure out what works for YOU (whatever that is!) and pursue it relentlessly. Thank you. (Steps off of soap box)