For Matthew

I came to China to teach and play tennis. Though, lately it is becoming apparent that I am here for that and so much more. Around the two-month mark of living here, I hit a rough spot. Upon returning from Hong Kong, I realized that things in Zhongshan had shifted while I was away. This shift sent me into a tailspin. I no longer felt at home- the comfort zone I had spent two months creating was demolished in one swoop. As a result, I went to a dark place in my mind where there is no perspective or appreciation. I was lacking love, passion, connection, and affection; this made me very tired. For days, I didn’t train or really move much at all. The rain came down and lessons were cancelled, so I stayed in my room, crying over Robin Williams’ movies, and eating oatmeal. When the clouds broke, I decided I needed a change. I needed new priorities. I needed more love. After being obnoxious to anyone who would listen for days, I finally found a volunteer opportunity with a local foster home. Through the parents of one of the children I teach, I was connected with Doug and Janice at the New Day Foster Home for children with special needs. I sent Doug an email, receiving one back about a week later. Doug and Janice are from Alabama, and moved to southern China to found New Day South after working at the New Day North foster home in Beijing. They are angels in human form. The day after Doug responded to my email, I found myself in a taxi on my way to New Day. Doug had informed me that they are functioning in two small apartments- one nursery and one for preschool aged children. Other than that, I wasn’t sure what to expect. The taxi driver got lost, so he dumped me in the general area of the address I showed him. I had to call Sukey, the volunteer coordinator, to come rescue me. As Sukey walked me back to the apartment complex I bombarded her with questions. I learned that New Day only employs locals to care for the children, and all Westerners are volunteers. There are usually about 15 children living at the home at any given time. New Day facilitates care and surgeries for babies with any special needs, ranging from heart defects to Down Syndrome, while they hopefully wait to be adopted.

When we arrived on the 5^th floor, I took off my shoes, sanitized my hands, and let Sukey lead me into the nursery. I picked up the first baby I saw, Feng Ming (English name Matthew), and my heart melted in my chest. He looked into my eyes to see a new, strange face and smiled, lighting up the room. I looked into his eyes and saw the world. I spent the next hour and a half holding and playing with babies, and talking to Doug and Janice who had found me to say hello. We all went downstairs to see the preschool kiddos, where we played for another hour before lunch. As I listened to Janice’s stories about each child, a little girl’s laughter interrupted us. Amy is a very bright and happy 9-year-old girl. She is able to walk only with support, but she is an excellent crawler. Actually, she doesn’t so much crawl, as she energetically vibrates across the floor like a toy that you wind up and set free. She likes to check out people’s shoes and play with them, causing her to laugh and laugh. She laughs so hard that it is impossible to be in the same room as her and not laugh uncontrollably also. That day, it became evident that Amy is happy at New Day. So am I.

Over rice and noodles, Doug, Janice, their daughter Sarah, and I talked about our respective journeys to Zhongshan and what we miss about America. Doug quizzed me about Native American culture, and we told stories of our roots. Their lives were uprooted when they decided to leave Alabama to move to China. They have three grown sons and a few grandchildren back in America whom they miss dearly.

‘We did it backwards.’ Janice joked. ‘Usually you’re supposed to run away to another country when you’re young and responsibility-free!’ But I knew they wouldn’t have it any other way. We walked out of the restaurant, and as we discussed how I would get home, my bus showed up; we exchanged rushed good-byes as I sprinted away to catch it. I didn’t feel bad for leaving so abruptly. I knew I’d be back.

And back I came. Since that day almost a month ago, I have been visiting New Day twice a week. I help their preschool teacher, Myra, with class before heading up to the 5^th floor to hold babies. The children are well behaved and well accustomed to their routine. It is easy to see that they are all happy kids. It is easy to feel the love that fills the apartments, seeping into the heart of each person who walks through the door. All you have to do is be present, and the children will open up your heart as they open their hands, inviting you to pick them up. It is also wonderful to see how the New Day staff approaches the adoption process. When a child is matched with a family, there is a buzz about the environment; everyone knows and openly speaks about the fact that a matched child has a new family and will be leaving soon. Even at two years old, the little girls and boys understand and celebrate this. There is no trauma, only smooth transition from one family to another. The preparation for change and good-byes is important for the children, the new families, and everyone else who cares for the child.

For this reason, it was difficult to hear that one child, Feng Ming, did not make it through a hospital stay. He was undergoing the last of three surgeries that he needed before adoption when he acquired an infection. His little body couldn’t fight it, and he died early in the morning after surgery.

There was a quiet about New Day after Feng Ming’s passing as everyone grappled with the unexpected news.  We held his memorial on a Thursday afternoon. Doug saved the couches in his small living room for the nannies- the women who spent the most time with Feng Ming – his mommas. They were beside themselves with grief, some sobbing loudly as Doug spoke. Doug fearlessly led the ceremony as a woman stood beside him, translating his words to Chinese for the nannies as tears rolled down her cheeks.

‘Feng Ming lived exactly 700 days on this earth’ he began, ‘and 696 of those were spent here at New Day. We were his family and we loved him.’

I felt for the nannies and prayed to someone or something that I could take some of their hurt away. I looked around to see about 20 people crammed into Doug and Janice’s tiny living room. There were Americans, Canadians, and Chinese people who gathered to mourn the passing of a precious child. Together, we all grieved deeply. Adrian, a volunteer from Canada, sang a song that went like this:

Never a smile more beautiful than yours,

Never a child more easy to love,

Never will you be forgotten.

Even in your times of pain, you brought us joy.

You left us all too quickly, now it is our turn to heal.

Fly on, little Feng Ming!

Find rest in the arms of your forever father.

As I listened to the song, I let myself feel the grief in my heart; it hit me like a bag of bricks. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I focused on breathing as hot, heavy tears rolled down my face. Still, in the midst of my grief, I found appreciation. I am so thankful that New Day exists because it means that so many people get to experience life and love that they might never find otherwise. For me, the existence of this organization means gaining perspective and feeling love. For the children it means living a life they weren’t ‘supposed to’ live. Feng Ming was the first baby I held when I walked into the New Day Foster Home. I only got to spend a few of his 696 days with him before he went in for surgery. But there is no doubt in my mind that every one of his days before that were filled with just as much love, laughter, play, and smiling as his last. At the bottom of the memorial program it noted that the ‘Feng’ in his name means ‘phoenix’, a bird known for rising from ashes, just as love and inspiration will rise from the sadness in our hearts. Fly on, little guy. Godspeed.

You might think that after feeling such grief, we would want some distance from the kids to protect ourselves from such deep hurt in the future. But I think everyone left that living room with the intention of hugging longer, holding tighter, and playing harder. I’m anxious to return to help teach preschool tomorrow and take extra time to hold babies upstairs.

I apologize for such a depressing post. My truth is that ‘a love story worth telling’ is not always a story of smiles and cheer. Sometimes, like today, it is a story of grief, loss, and hurt. But it is always a story of love, appreciation, and joy. All of the love that Feng Ming held in his little body has to go somewhere; I am sending it to you. Appreciate someone right now. Love yourself right now. Be thankful today. Don’t wait. Let yourself feel, and if there is hurt in your heart, feel it burn and watch love rise from the ashes like a Phoenix. 

for more of Matthew's story, click here